Am I cut out for this?

Well my fellow sugars, he kept his word and made the deposit. The only thing that I didn't like is that he deposited a check. If the check doesn't go through, I will be screwed. I decided to open a second checking account just for this arrangement so it won't affect my regular account if there is a problem with the next deposit (if there is a next deposit).

So here we are a week later, I've paid some of my credit cards and have been able to treat myself to a few small things. He has also been really sweet, surprising me with a Vicky secret gift card and other sweet random things.

So earlier this week he said he would have time to see me early Thursday morning. I work from home a few days a week, so it's not a prob to block out a little time on my calendar. We decided to meet at 8:00 am, which is kinda early, but what the heck and he said he would bring breakfast. So this morning he calls me at 7:30 and says please don't be mad, but I'm early. I'm sooo NOT a morning person and 8:00 was pushing it. I was so annoyed that he was here so early. I was really trying to get my head together to be happy and sweet, but it was so damn early. I keep thinking, he kept his end of the deal I have to keep mine. I didn't even have time to pull myself together and look cute.

So we eat, and were watching television and he is sitting next to me and just starts staring at me and making me feel uncomfortable. He asks, am I making you feel uncomfortable? And I tell him, I'm not used to someone staring at me like that. He says, I was just waiting for you to give me a kiss. So I give him a peck. He asks, can I have a real kiss? I couldn't do :-(

I don't know if I was in a crappy mood because it's 8 in the morning and he wants to be cuddly and cute or if it was I hadn't had my Starbucks yet. The odd thing is, I was prepared to have sex, so if he wanted to do it, I would have been okay, but I didn't feel like kissing him if that makes sense? He had planned to stay until 10, but he just left. I feel sooo bad that I didn't want to kiss him and I feel like I should do whatever he wants, but I just felt so uncomfortable kissing him this morning. Maybe it would have been different if he came a little later, but I just couldn't get my head together at 7:30. I'm going to call and apologize and let him know that I'm not a morning person and I hesitated when I agreed to meet so early, but I didn't want to tell him no.

Maybe we shouldn't try the morning get togethers again? I guess it shouldn't make a difference, but I just wasn't up for it this morning. What the heck. Does that mean the SB/SD arrangement isn't for me?? I'm going back to sleep for a while :-(

UPDATE: So, I called to apologize (no answer), sent an email and a text to apologize for not being in a great mood or kissy this morning. And he responds by saying, "you deserve better". WTF, does that mean he is done with me? I texted him to ask what he meant by that and no response. I may have really screwed up and I feel sick to think I will have to go through this process all over again. I wish I would have really just forced myself to kiss him. I hope he comes around and stops being angry at me.

What do y'all think? Am I a total jackass for not being kissy this morning?

~G